2019 was definitely the year of lessons. The problem is that the Universe can cram as many lessons and advice as it wants, but if you are as stubborn as I am, it will take longer for something to stick. And even if it does stick, the comfortability of things staying the same can keep you stagnant. With 2020 coming around, something did click, and I want to share what that is. Pain is inevitable and no amount of worry can change that. Life can be unfair sometimes. No shit. As simple and as common of an idea as this is, I spent a good portion of my youth going against it.
When something bad happens to me, I have a habit of holding on to it for a long time. What counts as “bad” varies. Maybe a loved one hurt my feelings. Maybe something I really wanted to work out just didn’t. Whatever it is, if it happened it left a wound. My process for dealing with it would be to retreat into myself. I would escape into my books or have a good cry. Now, when you’re hurt, I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing to take time for yourself to feel whatever it is that is hurting. For some people, that could be a form of self-care. But my mistake was taking it too far. In the past, I would live inside the pain. So much energy and time went into feeling sorry for myself and muttering to myself that the world was unjust. Once I could feel the pain lessen overtime, I wasn’t done yet. I had to figure out why. Over and over again I would rewind and relive the bad moment and analyze each detail. Why did I say that? Maybe if I didn’t this would happen instead. What made them do that to me? What if this happened instead? Why does it hurt so much? Am I being too sensitive about this? And this would either go on for God knows how long or I would restart the past cycle of “Woe Is Me.”
Now although I tend to be a glutton for punishment, even I can get tired of feeling the same thing every day. Eventually, the cycle of depression passes, but I know it will come back. So, I go about my life until a new situation comes. Like the “bad” thing, it can take multiple forms as well. Maybe a new relationship or job opportunity. And even if this new scenario is exciting or something I want to pursue, I hesitate. It’s anxiety’s turn now. I remember very vividly that I experienced pain and disappointment and I remember how horrible it was (and how much worse I made it with my pity parties). I might be stubborn, but I’m not dumb. So I run and hide until I feel like there is no longer any danger present. No matter how much I want to pursue this new thing, it’s too scary. My guard is put up and my mind begins running game plan after game plan to secure emotional safety. I can’t just be one step ahead of the game. I have to be ten steps and a leap ahead. Foolishly, I tell myself that I can outsmart life and never feel the pain I experienced ever again. And then something bad happens…and the process begins all over again.
Life is unpredictable. There is no crystal ball that will confirm anything. There’s no online quiz you can take that will tell you what to do and it will all be fine. It’s just not out there. Trust me, I tried. Pain will come into your life. Outside forces or even people close to you, will hurt you. And on top of that, you will hurt them too. And no amount of worrying, planning, or strategizing will save you.
But that’s OK.
And for the longest time I told myself it wasn’t.
I told myself that all the pain I was experiencing was unfairly pushed upon me and if I was just smarter or good enough, I could’ve beat fate. I guess you can say 25 isn’t too old to come to this conclusion about life. But whatever age you are, it’s not too late to accept this. Pain sucks. It really does. But pain comes with growth. With each bad experience, you become a little stronger and a little wiser. When the dark clouds fade and the sky becomes a little bit clearer, you appreciate it more because you know what it was like to be stuck in the fog for so long. So, I urge you (and myself) to feel the bad thing. Learn from it, cry about it, write about it—do whatever it takes to heal. Then when it’s time for the good things to come, you’ll be so glad you trudged through the mess to get there.
Kayla B(e) Writing 