“You’re playing the victim.” How do you play the victim? If something bad happens to me, by no fault of my own, I am the victim. What role am I playing exactly? Was this suggesting my pain was not real? This was an insult. I took this as a cop out for people to give them an excuse to do whatever they wanted. I never gave much thought to that phrase when I decided it was meant to hurt me further.
It wasn’t until I found a pattern of myself reliving past trauma repeatedly that my feelings about it changed. The pain from hurtful memories could take me down in seconds. I would fall into isolating myself, not going to work or class, not talking to anybody, etc. Pretty depressing right? But for some reason, after some time, I always found a way to pick up and start again. OK this feeling sucks but what I’m doing right now isn’t making anything better. I got ish to do. Crumbled pieces of me were picked up and glued together. I can make the train to get to where I’m supposed to be. I can fit in an exercise. I can make that phone call and lean on my support system without shame.
Sometimes when we are the victim to something, we forget the power we have in making a choice. This is not to say you can’t feel how you want to feel. If you’re hurting then go ahead and feel the hurt. But how long will you let it consume you? What about other parts of your life that need attention? At what point can you choose a different path, a different outlook?
It’s easier said than done. I know it is. The emotional labor that has to be done in order to move forward can be uncomfortable and intimidating. But I also know that ignoring my responsibilities because I’m hurting is not smart and can only lead to more trouble for me in the end. I also know that I am deserving of a life where I can grow stronger and be able to battle any storm that life will inevitably throw at me. We owe it to ourselves to roll up our sleeves and embrace whatever comes. Why should we let whatever was done to us win? Why should we allow that to take away our joy?
When you’re in your feelings, you can get really comfortable. You can withdraw within yourself and lick your wounds over and over again. You know there’s things you can focus on or do that will improve your mood but you just don’t have the energy. The pain you’re sitting in is too familiar. It’s the security blanket with needles that reminds you how much you’re hurting. All the mental labor that needs to be done can be forgotten. But that refusal to do what needs to be done is a choice. On the flip side, you can choose what you deserve—peace.
Kayla B(e) Writing 