Kayla B(e) Writing

I know my mother will be happy to hear me say, “You were right.” Not about everything, Mom. But you get this one.

I’m impatient. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned that somewhere here before but it bears repeating. I’m fucking impatient. I’m always wondering about the future. What will my next chapter be like? Will I enjoy it? Will I be able to handle it if it’s bad? I have a list of wants and desires for my life that if I could obtain with a snap of my fingers, I would do it. But we all know life just doesn’t work that way.

In the past, whenever I would come across a dilemma where I needed to make a choice of action, my anxiety would visit me. I would find myself battling between my brain and my emotions. Does the solution in this problem lie within my heart or my head? Should I do what is logically sound or what feels right? Is there an option that can satisfy both? I would spend so much time pondering this and envisioning a catastrophic conclusion that instead of coming up with next steps, I become miserably stagnant.

Years ago, I had a phone conversation with my mom that I always go back to when I find myself in this kind of situation. It might have been something about a friendship I was struggling with or my future career plans. Whatever it was, it caused me great anxiety. My mom doesn’t claim to be the keeper of all knowledge. She’ll tell you straight up if she doesn’t know something. She’ll just speak her gentle truth. So while I was freaking out over the phone hoping she would bestow magical Black mom wisdom she said:

“Do you have to make a decision right now?”

Well, no I didn’t.

And that was that.

It was like that question lifted the weight off my chest and I could breathe steadily again. No one was telling me to fix whatever was bothering me right now. No one was telling me I was in danger or the sky was falling. There was no bomb that was going to go off in any second if I didn’t have the right answer, right now. Besides some sweaty palms, I was safe.

Not only did my mom’s question reset me, it allowed me to give myself time to process the situation. I didn’t have an answer to fix my problem. 

And that was OK. 

By trying to rush, I was denying myself the ability to take care of my mental health. I was denying myself grace. I was looking for the perfect answer to prevent pain. A lovely fantasy but impossible in reality. By giving myself time to take care of myself first, I’m honoring my mental health. We live in a world where fastness is prioritized. Smart phones, computers, and microwaves are our friends. If they ran slow, you would say they might need fixing. Well, I don’t know if you know this but you’re not a machine. Neither am I. We’re not defective. We are just people living life one day at a time. Sometimes things will come up and they will be hard to deal with. But it’s OK to take a step back before you move forward with a course of action. And it’s even more OK to make a decision and then realize it might have not been the right choice. Life is hard enough already without putting an extra burden on yourself to always be 100% precise. Learn to trust that you are doing the best you can at the moment and go from there.

And if you happen to get a win after making a choice: celebrate that shit. Because you’re not gonna win every time. And that’s OK too.