Being a mom has brought me so much joy. From her smiles to her drool to her grabbing my glasses off my face. Even the nights when she refuses to sleep and she just babbles into the air…I can’t help but to smile sometimes. But there’s other times when I can’t feel joy even though I really want to. What I wish I prepared for more was the feeling of grief.
The grief that my schedule looks so different now. I have to factor another person into everything I do when before, I moved with much more freedom.
The grief that other people need to start taking a back seat. I have more boundaries to put up. I’ve seen some people adjust and some rebel to what I need. There’s understanding but there’s also sadness.
The grief that I’m not the young girl I used to be. I have new worries, new fears, new priorities. I don’t know what it all means yet. But I am far from my childlike days where messing up felt like it was OK. Messing up could now mean messing up my daughter.
The grief that my husband and I have to work extra hard to keep our connection strong. Parenthood can easily mean you and your spouse become two ships passing the night. Now we must love with even more intention which can be challenging.
The grief that I’m experiencing a love that’s new, beautiful and scary. A love that says I want to keep my daughter small and cute and safe forever. But I know as she grows, she will have to face the world without me at times. I can’t always protect her from everything.
I heard someone once say “grief is love with no place to go.” I try to tell myself this feeling is normal and it means simply these are all things I care about. It also means that sometimes good change (the birth of a baby you prayed for) can still bring anxiety and sadness.
To have conflicting emotions sit together this way is more complex than I could imagine. But maybe that’s all part of the journey. And maybe feeling all of this at once is the most motherly thing I can do right now.
Kayla B(e) Writing 